would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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