I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
