highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
