It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
