Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
