Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
