go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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