a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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