He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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