I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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