do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
