Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
