I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
