my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
