I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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