A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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