so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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