i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
