I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
