When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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