Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
