my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
