i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
