I just gift wrapped bread.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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