Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
