the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
