my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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