apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
