Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
