went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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