Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
