Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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