i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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