I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
