Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
