I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
