oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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