I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
