I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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