you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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