What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
