she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
