theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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