The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
