final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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