she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
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