my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize