Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
