All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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