Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
