At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
