TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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