I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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