hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
