I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
