Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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