Hey man sorry I got all grabby
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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