my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it was like eating out sand paper
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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