I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize