just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Randomize
